I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
