the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
