Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
