so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
