Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
