I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
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Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
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Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I touched a dick in church today
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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