He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
