Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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