I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
