I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
