Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
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We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
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SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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