but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
