so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
