Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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