Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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