Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
