you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
