I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
