hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
