yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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