I must be too annoying 4 u.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
