Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
