I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
