Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Banned from zoo.
Again?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
