apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
third nipple confirmed
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
