Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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