mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
