well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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