i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I just gargled with NyQuil
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
