yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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