So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
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