I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Please don't give away my fajitas
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
