omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
