mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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