Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
