Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
