So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
