Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
