Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
My vagina is very pro this idea
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
