when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
