Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize