Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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