im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Randomize
