All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
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