I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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