Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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