I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Green mimosas i think yes
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
