Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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