Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
