my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
