i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
