I seem to have left my pride at pride
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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