It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.