I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.