was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
These 21 FaceApped Celebrities Will Make You LOL
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
25 People Confess Their Favorite Way To Annoy Their Significant Other
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line