So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
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i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
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I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?