Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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